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Documented in 1/30/21.

What I Hate About Pokemon.

The franchise is nothing more than a low-hanging cashgrab tarnished by Gamefreak's tonedeaf approach towards appealing to nostalgia (it's been years since I've seen a genuinely creative Pokemon design, and the only one I actually like from generation 8 is Toxtricity.) You see, that sort of thing only works when you keep it at a minimum of four or FAVORABLY TWO games following up the main game/concept, including spin-off games, that have something new to bring to the table (I'd even argue that Pokemon Ranger on the NDS was more fun than the core games).

Gamefreak is beyond question shamelessly exploiting the manchildren who are desperate enough to put themselves through repetitive chores just to feel like they aren't weeks due on rent.

So, Why Do You Even Like Pokemon?

Simple answer: Nostalgia, because I'm also a manchild. I just know why Pokemon objectively sucks.

Pokemon really only worked out for less-versatile consoles considering its basic battle system and the fact that you have to grind a little to advance (I wear my bias on my sleeve, I typically hate these types of games.) It's probably why Sword and Shield felt (and was) boring, hyped up all for a recycled turn-based RPG on a console that isn't exactly as personal as the Gameboy or DS (not to mention that S/S and S/M were pretty much a disgrace to the previous works of Satoru Iwata.) The only thing that kept me around, was the variety of collectable Pokemon and the personality of each one.

Because I hate Pokemon with all my heart, I've played Soulsilver, PD* plus Platinum, Pokemon Rangers (which is in fact my introduction to Pokemon), Ultra Moon, Shield aaaand you could probably slide in just a couple of hours on GSC because of the classroom Gameboy in daycare, since that totally counts. Let's ignore anything that was released beyond 2013 for now. I personally favor generations IV and V, and my opinion is definitely more right than yours because of the releases of PDP, HG/SS, and BW (the ONLY games I've finished before 2013. Of course I play a fair game.)

* If you're unfamiliar with the acronyms, PD= Pearl & Diamond, BW= Black & White, HG/SS= Heartgold & Soulsilver (G/S/C is just Gold, Silver, and Crystal), and so on. Trust me, I never paid attention to the whole pick-a-side catch, so first receiving Pearl and Diamond confused the fuck out of me when I realized they were ''copies of each other.'' I think it was fair that I made that mistake.

Black & White (2010)

In terms of graphics, Black and White swipes the medal and runs through the catwalk with unrelenting victor and a threatening bosom. The reason I was completely lost by the switch to 3D models when implemented in later games, I felt as though Pokemon lost a sense of personality and I already felt the inevitable trip to capitalism that Pokemon was headed. Along with others in the community, we all agreed that with copy-pastable dummies, the developers are pretty much given the freedom to bullshit their way through with no inclination for new animations, and they sure as hell weren't going to worry about working around limitations and aiming past creativity's standard when there's no limitations to begin with (like dude, have you seen how stiff the fucking Pokemon are in SS?). The lack of effort would soon bleed into the rest of the game's aspects. In Black and White, there's still a clear line that separates the JRPG battle system style which is meant to leave room for the player to use their imagination when battle is in session. However, the sprites do a really banging job of bringing these critters to life. Each Pokemon in BW, including about over 100 new Pokemon at the time, was animated; that's a big deal and alot of work!

Anyway, it's not all just about graphics, but the fact that this was a time when the developers cared. Black and White's story is pretty alright (something about animal liberation and all that junk), but also holds one of my favorite characters from all of Pokemon (like Cheren!) The first half of BW was pretty neat, and I genuinely thought that introducing two friends with opposite personalities was actually a clever way of splitting the journey between becoming a Pokemon champion (through the rivalry of Cheren's person) and beating up bad guys in the name of justice (through the empathy of Bianca's person.) And seriously, these two are probably the most likeable characters I've come across in the entire franchise, so much that I felt like I was the support character of their story. Overall, this addition was an amazing way of showing what Pokemon was capable of being.

Replay status: complete.

Pearl, Diamond, & Platinum (2006-2008)

This series's pacing was definitely VERY slow compared to any of the other games in the franchise, but I actually didn't find myself to mind too much on my first Pokemon journey (well, I don't encourage anyone to even consider replaying Pearl nor Diamond due to how long it takes for the game to actually begin.) The pacing is noticeably better in Platinum with a couple dialogue cuts, but the battles are still just as lengthy. I don't regret PDP marking the debut of my Pokemon training career though, because it had some of the cooler Pokemon around the region. Nothing felt more rewarding than seeking out Wayward cave as a first-timer and running the perfect team with Garchomp.

Replay Status: In progress

Heartgold & Soulsilver (2009)

Replay Status: Yet dusted.

Pokemon Ranger (2006)

Replay Status: Yet dusted.

Notice: This section is still under progress, so sit tight because I'm adding more replay testimonials soon.


DS Era Pokemon ROMS are pretty much widespread by now.

Even if the R4 3DS emulator is not the most universally preferred way to piracy, this isn't about efficiency. Remember, this is about the totally reliable status of nostalgia. On my sixth birthday, I was given my third major console: a pink Nintendo DS, and an R4 Upgrade my grandmother set up for me. It had an array of games that pretty much everyone had except for me, including Pokemon Diamond & Pearl. From there, I learned how to use the R4 card that was given to me in order to play the earlier additions of Pokemon until it no longer worked.

I already wrote a short tutorial on how to set up an R4 card on my blog for anyone who favors running ROMS on the DS over online emulators like me when I was replacing the original cartridge in 11/21/2020.

Emulator Resources

  1. EMULATORGAMES.NET - I got every single Pokemon ROM here and tested each one out (except for Ruby/Sapphire or X/Y, because I don't give a shit about those games nor do I think I'm missing out), they're pretty safe to download.
  2. ROYALROMS.COM - I also collected non-Pokemon related ROMs from here, so this site's actually pretty trustworthy.

Cagey's Favorites

My favorite types have a bit of aesthetic bias, but I really like dragon types, ghost types, dark types and electric types. Electric types served some of the best flashy designs, and I love the cute sinister smiles of ghost types like Banette, Mimikyu, and Gengar. The remaining couple types on the other hand interest me in ways that aren't exclusive to the Pokemon world: all dragon types have a raw, beastial element to their characters that I adore, and dark types embody dark themes the best through a moves, whether that be explicit violence from moves like Crunch and Throat Chop, or manipulative trickster shit from moves like Fake Tears and Taunt. Man, that's cool!

Absol

Top Picks: Luxray, Jolteon, Mawile, Swadloon, Absol, Reuniclus, Ampharos, Garchomp
Reshiram

Best Legendaries: Reshiram, Lugia, Giratina, Cobalion