Day 3. (2.10.21)
Why won't he change? Am I not threatening enough? Is he just too retarded to understand his life's value? I wish he just fucking changed, or better yet killed himself. He's the common denominator to everyone's problems. How dare he think he can lie to me and slip away... it's almost an insult! Haha. I want to feel his scalp tear and stick into the prints of my fingers when I thumb his skull inside and play with his brains. My visions have never felt so right. He's so lucky my rationality reigns over my impulses. I bet his skin tastes like raw, room-temperature porkchop and a dusty glasses case.
I wish I had more to look forward to in life. I'm nothing more than a tool to be used for everyone else's image. Everyone wants to be friends with me, because I've been portrayed as the strange one just for holding true to my ideals when in reality, nobody takes the time to understand my truths. The world is so shallow. One problem I have with some works of fiction is the little details that makes a person feel like an actual life at stake are left out; we never really get to know about what someone does for fun, or what their ideals are. Even then, most protagonists are likely to have black and white hopes, and are blank slate for the sake of self-insertion. I realized it can apply to life, and I'm tired of it. What's so interesting about sports, or cooking? It all just sounds like a loyalty to the sake of living, which doesn't cut it for me. Maybe arts and music, but it's all selfish response (besides, I don't care about color theory or mediums or whatever artists talk about.) I feel like I've entered a stage of depression where I overanalyze everything and take apart the humor of life. Being self-conscious and denying myself the right to enjoyment, it truly is a paradox. Maybe I want to continue to devote myself to the concept of immaturity and hope, because I miss not thinking so much about it.
Perhaps it's a matter of preferences, because of course I have hobbies that involve creation. I've always been the type to analyze, because I like systems.
My hair is turning back to its regular color. This makes me happy. Goodbye white hair!